This time of year many of us run around trying to find the perfect gifts for those we care about. We might wear ourselves out, physically and emotionally, worrying how our gifts will be received. 

I still feel bad that I failed to give my daughter the actual Cabbage Patch doll so popular in the 1980s, and gave her instead a knockoff. It looked the same to me, but not to her! It turns out one of my students had the same experience with her young daughters back in the day!

We tried to make up for that failure the next year when we gave her a rabbit. My husband Will even built a rabbit hutch that fit under her bedroom window with a roof hatch so she could bring Bunny into her room. She was ecstatic, and Bunny was a much-loved member of our family for five years.

My mom generally gave great gifts, but even she had the occasional epic fail. There was the time she gave Bunny a squawking toy bird, not realizing that a rabbit would see it as a bird of prey and run for cover. He would have been happy with a carrot!

So no one gets it right all the time! But major props for trying when it’s so challenging.

So the big question: What do people really want?
Many years ago a co-worker of mine would tell us over coffee all the amazing things that her husband had bought her for her birthday or for Christmas. And I finally asked her how he always knew what to get her, when other husbands’ gift guesses sometimes backfired. Guesses? she asked, surprised. Oh no, no guessing. I make a list.

So when my next birthday rolled around, I put together a list of items to choose from. And lo and behold I got everything I asked for. Every single thing! I was, of course, amazed, delighted, and felt very special.

But in the end, it was just stuff. And over the years our exchange of gifts has fallen by the wayside because we don’t feel we lack for anything. Somehow we get what we want from each other, but I’ve never really looked closely to see what those gifts are.

What are the gifts more precious than gold? Here  are a few gift ideas I’ve come up with. See if they resonate for you. And maybe there are others you would add:

The gift of attention

Really listening, Really being with someone. This is a rarer gift than ever with the challenge of cellphone addiction. Someone puts their finger up as if to say “Hold that thought!” as they answer a call or text. Another just places the phone on the table in the restaurant, giving the impression that they will be paying attention to us only until the next text or call. So a great gift is simply silencing and putting away our phones.

The gift of time

We may have difficulty claiming time for ourselves, let alone time for family and friends. But we can take a close look at how we organize our lives, and notice where we might make adjustments. Again our phones and other devices might be claiming mindless time that could be more joyfully spent with each other.

And if we give the gift of attention when we are together, the quality of that time is more precious than the quantity.

The gift of sincerity

Whether we’re offering an apology or accepting one, it makes a big difference if we’re paying enough attention to be sincere..

The casual way people say, ‘Oops,sorry about that!’ or ‘No worries!’  are mindless collections of habituated words that are thrown out and fall flat because they lack sincerity. Sincere means without hypocrisy. It’s hypocritical to toss out an apology for something you know you will likely repeat. That so-called apology is meaningless.

And we may say we accept someone’s apology but still hold a grudge. And that grudge tends to sour subsequent exchanges in that relationship. 

No surprise, to be sincere we need to be present to recognize and acknowledge our true thoughts and feelings. That takes time and attention! Hmm, it looks like these gifts are connected, doesn’t it?

Here’s one many of us try to achieve in our gift giving:

The gift of recognition

‘I see you’ is a powerful gift, whether in a physical gift that shows we’ve been paying attention, or just little thoughtful ways we acknowledge each other.

This recognition is quite different from thinking you have someone all figured out. Labeling someone and putting them in a box based on past actions, physical and personality traits is not all that loving. It feels convenient to have people ‘all figured out’ but it’s lazy. People change. We all grow, evolve, shift. The classic childish gift given to a now-teen grandchild is a typical example of this.

It’s confining and frustrating to feel that someone you love doesn’t see you. A number of years ago, my youngest granddaughter opened a gift that I bought at the last minute to match what I’d given her older sister, so she wouldn’t feel left out. It was ‘crafty’ and she has all sorts of talents and interests, but crafts was never one of them. I burst out laughing at her immediate reaction when, in her disappointment, she threw the box on the floor in disgust. Her parents called her on it, but I understood. I was her grandma. She had a right to expect that I knew her better than that! Seeing each other is how we show love.

Staying current with these things can be too much for some. Let’s not beat ourselves up if we ‘fail’. And let’s consider that if gifts are the tradition and getting what they want is important, requesting a list of suggestions is reasonable. I check in every year to be sure that the gift museum memberships and magazines we give are still desired. And letting go of the need to give gifts at all is a wonderful gift to all in many cases. But don’t introduce that tradition two weeks before Christmas!

Another aspect of recognition is letting go of our preconceptions and our own preferences, and paying attention. With spouses and children, we may have ideas of what we’d like them to be interested in, but that’s just bullying.

A niece I admire for the way she raised three amazing children despite many hardships, had a clever system. She gave each child one thing they wanted, one thing they needed, and one thing they never would have thought of but she knew they would enjoy.

The gift of space

Another year-round gift is recognizing that we all need alone time. It can be a rare and precious commodity, especially for busy people. We want that for ourselves, so let’s acknowledge that those we are closest to might appreciate some space as well. We can learn the cues that tell us someone needs a little space: If we ask questions and they become prickly, that’s a clue! We don’t need to walk away in a huff. We can learn to take that cue to give them some space.

A gift of space might also be a walk without talking, a country drive without destination but time for impulsive stops when there’s a farmstand, a beach, a hiking trail, or a magnificent view.

We know how valuable it is to have space to relax, to veg out, to forget about the daily grind. It’s a freedom that for many is hard to find. And it’s part of the reason that meditation retreats are so helpful. Having a daily meditation practice is the best gift we can give ourselves.

The gift of respect 

Sometimes with the people we love we can get into a habit of teasing, mockery, little reminders of ways they fall short, past foolishness.

Especially if we have negative inner dialog, and don’t treat ourselves with respect, we might treat those in our inner circle the same way, as if they are extensions of self: MY husband or wife; MY child, etc. What we may think of as intimacy, a secret language, may also have a quality of contempt that is disrespectful. If this resonates, maybe dial it back and see if it’s appreciated. Gently transition into expressing honest praise, appreciation, and respect. And if the person is surprised by these words, then you know that you haven’t been showing them the respect they need.

These are all wonderful gifts to give and their value is beyond measure. One of my students is native Hawaiian and I asked her if any of these were part of the Aloha spirit, and she agreed that all of them were. So give the gift of Aloha!

And please, if you feel you are not receiving these gifts, then take a page from my coworker’s playbook, and learn to ask for what you want. Find a skillful time and place to have that conversation. (See the previous post on Wise Speech, titled The Gift of Gab.)

And then express your appreciation when you receive it.